Tuesday, January 31, 2012

My Heart Is Heavy

I've gone back and forth on whether to discuss this here on my blog for a few weeks now.  I usually don't like to be a Debbie-Downer here, but while personal, I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not the only going through this, and I know no one walks this path alone...

Photo courtesy of Pinterest

I received some horrible news two weeks ago.  A close family member of mine has cancer. The first thought that ran through my head was "this is a dream, right?  Here we go again" and then "how the hell do I handle this...knowing what could be?  At least last time I had my naivete."  Of course then I snapped out of the selfish mode and considered what they were going through as well...so far away from me...

The cancer "is curable"...and I swear if I hear that one more time I'm going to wallop someone...been there, done that and it wasn't curable!  My mom battled for 15 months on what should have been a "curable" cancer.  Without any immediate family close by, a lot of the day to day care I took on willingly (can I also say I was going through a bitter custody court case at the time, and well after she was gone), with four children, a new marriage, a new full time job, and then dealing with an alcoholic step father thrown in the mix didn't help matters.  Despite those dark days (most I didn't even remember my name), I wouldn't trade the extra time we got to spend together...regardless of the reasons or the outcome.  The parent/child relationship came full circle, rolls were reversed, and I did all I could to show the thanks for all those years that I never actually said "thank you!"

My mom & myself on my wedding day - July 31st, 2004. (mid cancer battle)
Coincidentally, she quickly exited my life exactly a year later...to the day.

I know my story isn't especially unique...or tragic in the grand scheme of things, but nevertheless, it's mine.  Mine to somehow work through, find faith for, and yet another reason I'll never give up.  

So, while I travel down this path, yet again, still without a damn clue, please bear with me.  If you've emailed or contacted me, I promise I will get back to you, it's just some days I'm still my happy-go-lucky self, and other days I'm holding a massive pity party for one!  

So, while you're waiting for me, can I please tempt you with getting involved with a Relay For Life event near you?  I can't even begin to tell you what an awesome experience they are.  Our whole family participates at our local event, and although the first year was extremely hard, the experience is always uplifting, humbling, and harrowing.  

Our 2010 luminary - My oldest designed it.  I wish I would have gotten a picture of the last lap made that night.  In complete darkness, with only the luminaries lit...and in total silence...to honor those who we've lost.

Our t-shirts I made for the 2010 event

2011 Relay event.  My girls participating in the "Relay for Relay"

Same girls 2011...thinking they could win the cupcake eating contest. Unfortunately, a massive thunderstorm came through and the event couldn't be finished that day, so we missed the luminary walk.

So, please...be kind to those around you, as you just never know what they're going through    


  1. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry for the struggles. Please know we are here, whenever you can be. Sending hugs!

  2. My heart goes out to you. Your Mother was a beautiful woman - what a great picture of the two of you on your wedding day. Sending a hug through the miles.